Well. tumblr was often an escape for me so I thought it was long awaited to post something positive. And what a better story could I begin with?
The Love of My Life:
Just the name alone makes me melt.
I feel like the luckiest person alive to feel the way I do today.
Everyone has their first love, the one they never forget. And I certainly didn’t forget. I thought it was because he was my first love and first kiss that I never forgot about him and never really lost my feelings with him. I’ve had a few relationships with them but there was still that perfect idea of him in my head. What frightened me the most was no matter how much I’d ever want him back, I knew deep down it would never be the same as it was all those years ago. I knew I’d changed a lot since then and grown up in some ways, I couldn’t begin to imagine what he was like now. I just never wanted to let go of those perfect memories of a first love, but unfortunately something made me throw away a few, maybe one reason was the desire to move on and forget, knowing I’d never get him back the way I’d dream. I knew he’d moved on, and onto a level I couldn’t compete with - I was too late. Game Over.
Every now and then (not too often though) we’d have a brief catch-up via Facebook, the normal ‘how’s life?’ and reminiscing, what we do best. [Lee Evans: burnin’ bush; shorry shister, would y’like a hot chocolate, chocolate duck, evil sheep, wasp, etc etc.]
Once upon a brief catch up the conversation lasted more than a couple of days, I think the fact that I was soon to be moving to London helped with that. He was always the one to suggest ‘meeting up for a coffee’, he was the keen one and as always I started to chicken out to avoid awkward conversations and eye contact. I don’t really know what changed my mind about meeting up, I guess he was just that good at persuading me to try something new (….yes..). I knew coffee wouldn’t be enough, and would still be awkward after five years of not seeing each other, it would have to be just us. A free week at my dads presented itself and knowing paddy would be there would be a good icebreaker.
He arrived, after a long drive, came in, went for a walk, got a chinese take away, we slowly eased into it, and before I knew it, it was Valentines Day 2008 all over again. Awkwardly watching TV but not really being about to focus on it from the extreme amount of tension on one sofa. He slowly edged towards me, in that cute, fidgety, ‘I’m rearranging myself’ kind of way. I tried to snuggle down into his arms [Ladle] and then, that eye contact, that one you can’t deny. I don’t know what it is about us.
[I felt something so right, doing the wrong thing.]
Having your first kiss is something magical, but it’s even better when you get to experience it again. I know ‘you can’t have a first kiss twice’, but my friends you can. It was almost exactly the same as VDay08, just I had more of an idea what to do (haha). I’m so glad we met up.
We went over to a friend of mines house, as my free week was up, Thus began the only thing that was missing from our relationship before. Probably a good thing ‘the leak’ stopped us going all the way although it was frustrating as hell.
The following weekend, two days before I moved to London, we met halfway at a hotel in Surrey. That was the night that needed to happen, the night that was meant to happen, the night that left us feeling.. blank? We both knew what we wanted (more), but both knew that it wouldn’t be, shouldn’t be. [Something so wrong].
We went our separate ways, and although still stayed in contact, I was busy starting a new life in London.
I had to see him again, and I have.. every weekend since. This weekend just gone probably being my favourite. Spending 69 (purely coincidental) hours in bliss, together.
We have the most incredible connection with each other, I can’t even begin to describe it, and the love we have for each other? 100% equal. And I can’t tell you how utterly unbelievable equal feels, I’ve never had that before, and when you find it, you know it’s the real thing. We have a deep, special thing that we share, so unimaginable, made better by the fact we can share it together, it’s us against the world.
He is my everything, my one and only. The one worth waiting for. It’s something so rare, but you have to ride the waves to get there. If you can find it, don’t get it go. If you let it go, make sure you get it back.. at the right time. Be brave, be happy.
Bored with not a lot to do, I thought I’d give tumblr a revisit.
Thought maybe, like the old days, I could escape, tell my tumblr page about my feelings.
But then I thought. I don’t want to. Why would I tell you how I feel if I don’t know how you feel, you won’t tell me.
Hate how one sided things are.
.. There I go, unstoppable.
I never was one to keep my feelings to myself, and look where that’s got me now.
I always thought, and still think now, that you should never keep your feelings to yourself. Speak up and tell someone. But you made that so hard. You taught me not to, but I don’t listen to that lesson - it’s a really bad one.
I shouldn’t keep my feelings to myself. And I shouldn’t be made to feel bad when I express them.